I decided we are not buddies anymore and you might not fully comprehend why.
I understood that I had been that friend who walked away, that gave up. However, the reality is, I chose we aren’t buddies anymore because… we just were not.
I think about all of the memories we all shared, too. I haven’t forgotten all of the years we were not without each other. And when we were apart, we were texting or counting down the moments until we would be collectively. I think about the times when it was not even a matter if you were planning to celebrate my birthday with me, binge watches Netflix and eat junk food, or kiss me until I stopped crying and forgot his title. Considering that all that mattered was us. We were such as Blair and Serena. Everything would be OK so long as we’re together, right?
But we aren’t together.
My heart is broken when I see you post movies with different buddies labeled #bestfriend #rideordie #girlfriend, once I hear one of those songs and you are not there to sing terribly with me when I am alone or scared and you aren’t there like you are supposed to be.
You are just not there anymore and you have not been for over a year.
I moved away. I will take responsibility for leaving, for moving colleges, for making new friends, for growing up. I know I left you, but that didn’t alter our friendship for me personally. I never stopped being your best friend. I know I needed to go days at a time without texting you back. I know I had to go months without even visiting. When another jerk broke your heart, I was on the telephone with you till you stopped crying. When you experienced loss, I received my change coated and drove down to you as soon as I could. I never called anyone else my best buddy, it was always you; my new friends even understood that. But it was never enough for you.
Maybe I’m the one who formally decided we are not friends anymore, however you decided to.
You decided we weren’t friends anymore when you stopped being my best friend, but expected me to be yours. You decided we weren’t friends anymore once you intentionally tried to hurt me because you felt justified in doing so. You decided we weren’t friends anymore once you chose a boy over our friendship — over and over and over again. You decided we were not friends anymore when you chose to be jealous rather than joyful for me. You decided we were not buddies anymore when you made our friendship a one-way road.
Friendship, like any relationship I have learned, can’t be a one-way street. It is not trivial, it is not cruel. True friendship is inviting, accepting, understanding and is never less important than a boy. Best friends never, ever blatantly hurt their very best friends, regardless of what the reason could be. When you do so, you just are not best friends anymore.
Now, I understand that when you love someone, you struggle. I am aware that there are going to be rough patches, but I stuck around for more than I must have. You know this. I know you understand that. I forgave you repeatedly and over again. I forgave you for items that I never in a thousand years could envision myself performing to you, or anybody for that thing; since I adore you. Even if you did the unspeakable, I still loved you. You were my very best friend. That meant a commitment to me. Until it did not to you.
I kept picking you when I must have been picking me. Well, now, I choose me.
I stand by my decision in deciding we are not buddies anymore, but it will hurt me every day. I just know that it will hurt less than it’s desperately attempting to save our friendship, attempting to save you. You have made it clear that to you, our friendship is not worth saving. You have made it clear that you don’t wish to be saved. So, I don’t have any choice but to let go.
Regardless of the way that it’s finished, I still thank you. Thanks for all of the amazing memories — memories that I, to this day, can’t envision being topped. Thanks for showing me what true friendship is and what it is not. Thanks for teaching me how to become selfless, how to be forgiving and the best way to become a loyal friend. Most of all, Thank you to be the man who eventually pushed me to select myself.